Stressed Confessor

I recorded this on my phone after a long day. These are my confessions.

Wow, I’m stressed. I am stressed. The author of the book, The Confessions of a Christian Salesman, is not yet himself perfect. Will you look at that? The author who says that the key which I found in my own life is freedom from the fear of death, and from material want and possessions as an end in themselves, still struggles with anxiety. I’m running audits for my business, and I see that money is missing. Trying to figure out how to afford this new house that we’re moving into.

Some might say, “Oh, how great it would be if we could go back to old times and just build houses we own on land as far as the eye can see.” But one of the problems with those old times is there wasn’t modern medicine. I’ve got six kids right now. Surely back in the day, not all of them would have made it. Perhaps not even my wife, perhaps not even myself, dying of some cough in winter cold. Trying to farm off the land, but if there’s a bad crop or a drought, we all starve. Or we have to find new hunting grounds. Depending on the period of time we’re talking about, those hunting grounds may have rival tribes. And if you’re part of settlement times, maybe even the Indians, which weren’t nice. Not all were nice. And the settlers weren’t always nice. It is the human condition that we inherit as a result of sin. Everyone always trying, everyone always learning best through fighting, it seems.

And yes, I myself even now am fighting. I am fighting to find a way to make my businesses work, to make them succeed. But I’m realizing that the fight isn’t for the business to succeed, but the fight is to not lose myself in this process. To not lose my center of gravity, which is the daily Bible reading which I have neglected for the better part of a week.

The confession of a Christian salesman is this: I am not yet perfect, nor am I even good at this. I find myself to be the runt of the litter, and the one who needs daily to remind himself of highest things, or else I am a faithless being. Faithless, and in a greater need than those around me. Perhaps that’s why I write. To satisfy, to fill in my weaknesses. I must write. I do not have the advantages of others. My mind runs a motor that I cannot even catch myself or pull the reins on entirely. And if it goes the wrong way, oh, this earth it eats. Like a lawnmower whose blade is detached and begins driving into the clay and sand beneath. It’s a dangerous thing when the mind goes off track. So is the case with my mind. So I must write. So I must read my Bible and pray. To redirect my mind and soul to the center of all things and not lose myself in the pursuit of entrepreneurial dreams.

I find myself in pain. Growing pains. But also the pain of the weight. I can feel the weight. I can feel the anxiety, the stress, the squeeze to make a sale so I can just have some more room to breathe. I can feel it, my brothers and my sisters. And as I was typing on my keyboard today, tears welled in my eyes trying to figure out how I’m going to manage all these things. And I felt this pain because I had not sat down and read my Bible recently. But as I’m looking at code and systems and processes being developed, I heard the voice of the Lord say, “Even through these things I will guide you. Even through these things I will love you. Even though it’s not the Bible, the words that you see on this screen, I will guide you through these processes and love you anyway.”

Why did he say that to me? And when did he say that to me? Those words only arrived and fell upon my soul when my heart cried out because it wanted to stop and read the Bible. Perhaps that’s the sign of growing in these growing pains. That when my world gets so distracted, when my soul gets so distracted, when the world begins to cave in on my awareness, all that is in me cries out for nearness with my God, who is the Logos, the connector, the orderer of all things, while at the same time being the center, the beginning, and the end. He who is my dream of dreams, my king of kings. The peace that only he can bring. Oh, like water to my soul. I miss him when I get stressed. And I long for him. And every mountaintop is defined by a life of nearness.

And so when the soul remembers its God, and wants to stop everything and only return to the sacred page so the mind can finally have its rest, the soul is in a perfect position to hear clearly from its father. Who can either reach out and say, “Indeed, come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” And in the reading of the sacred page impart his spirit upon my mind and soul and body and strength. Or as a father he has full permission to say, “Keep coding. Keep working on your processes. Keep working on your business today, and I will love you even through this. This will be today your act of worship to me.” The heart that cries out for the Father’s will is already free, and can receive from God its daily bread, whatever the form he so chooses. However, it is also a son’s right to say to their father, “Just give me five minutes alone in my word with you, and I will return to all of my business processes, Abba.” And a father’s delight to accommodate his son’s request. That is his right.

So I have been stressed today. And I needed to talk with God and recenter my soul. I did not take those five minutes, and I wish I did. But I did play our music while I worked, and I could feel his spirit carry me through stress. I worship you, Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, Messiah, with all my heart, with all my soul, my mind, and my strength. Make me a better man so I can help others. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. Amen.